“If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.”

— Steven Wright

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”

— Steve Martin

“I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode.”

— Unknown

“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”

— Unknown

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”

— Emo Philips

“If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.”

— Lawrence Ferlinghetti

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

— Erma Bombeck

“I hate it when you forget the punchline of a joke. Makes me question why I started telling it in the first place.”

— Unknown

“When nothing goes right, go left.”

— Unknown

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”

— Groucho Marx

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”

— Albert Einstein

“I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.”

— Unknown