“I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”

— Michael Scott

“I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.”

— Unknown

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”

— Lily Tomlin

“I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.”

— Tommy Cooper

“The early bird can have the worm because worms are gross and mornings are stupid.”

— Unknown

“If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.”

— Earl Wilson

“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.”

— Unknown

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”

— Jim Carrey

“I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.”

— Unknown

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”

— Miles Kington

“The problem isn't that obesity runs in your family. It's that no one runs in your family.”

— Jim Gaffigan

“I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks.”

— Unknown